Two years

Oliver is two years old today.

Happy Birthday - it's such a sweet and simple sentiment. One that most people can take for granted. I will say the words, and accept them from others with a smile, for the love and good thoughts they wish to convey. But for us, today, the words ring hollow. I will smile, we will give gifts, take pictures, and even have a cake. But I cannot forget that it is the anniversary of a terrible day. It is not a day my heart can celebrate. I thought it might be a little easier to bear this year, but it is not.

It has been a very long hard year, leaving many of our hopes and aspirations for Oliver's development unfulfilled. Among other things, Oliver still cannot roll over, sit, eat or use his arms and hands to play with toys. He cannot hug me, hold my hand or say "mama". He still vomits every day (and sometimes at night), and Shami and I get very, very little sleep. Grief still tears my heart apart each and every day. And the work and exhaustion of caring for Oliver is getting harder and harder as he grows into a boy.

But along with the unrelenting stress and sadness, this past year has brought us many positive changes, accomplishments and even moments of joy. We moved back to Ithaca, and Oliver has adapted to a new country, new people, and a rigorous schedule of therapy sessions. Oliver works very hard at everything, and he has made progress. In the right mood he'll take a spoon with a drop of water on it. Although he cannot roll all the way over, he can roll onto his side, especially if you tell him you'll scratch his back if he does! He holds his head up a little better, and much to our surprise he enjoys "walking" in a borrowed gait trainer. Although he cannot talk, he understands much of what we say, and he is learning to shake his head to say "no". For some months now he has known his shapes, colors and best of all he knows all 26 letters of the alphabet. But most importantly he is a sweet little boy with a wonderful spirit. He laughs a little more now, and it warms our hearts to see his adorable dimple when he is happy. I am proud of him, and grateful for what progress there has been. Yet I will always, always want more. I will always wonder about what he would be doing, the things he would be saying, and the life we would be leading if all had gone well.

The next year will undoubtedly bring us ups and downs, struggles, successes, and heartbreaks. Hopefully we'll be able to share pictures and stories, and keep you apprised of Oliver's progress and accomplishments more regularly this year. But for now, take a look at this handsome, happy two year old!